One day in Washington earlier this week…
“Let’s call this meeting to order,” Speaker Nancy Pelosi commanded to a gathering of prominent Democrats, RINOs and assorted establishment media liberals on her side of the
Capitol building. The room was fortified with plexiglass on the conference table and big steel sheets with small slits cut about eye level covering each window, so as to protect those inside from the Wuhan coronavirus -- and a potential return of Trump supporters.
“Just a word of warning, people,” the 82-year-old career politician barked to the unruly crowd that had heretofore failed to pipe down, “My dumber-than-you-know-what husband got caught drunk driving over the Memorial Day holiday weekend in the wee hours of the morning. What was he doing out of the house at that time of night? Anyway, I’m in a worse mood than usual. Treat me accordingly…
“Yeah. Anyway, ever since that horrific mass shooting in Texas I haven’t been able to rest,” the Speaker nervously explained. “Every time I thought about that adult teenager buying his big gun, I needed to head to my $20,000 freezer to get myself another pint of the premium ice cream that no one but filthy rich snobs like me can afford. The notion of constitutional rights is deeply upsetting to my delicate limousine liberal sensibilities. Besides, I’ll get fat if this keeps up.
“Therefore, I think we’re going to pass a bill outlawing danger.” Upon receiving strange looks from her fellow meeting attendees, the pampered San Francisco treat decided to amend her statement. “Okay, we can’t outlaw danger, but we can outlaw dangerous activities… can’t we? You know, when something unexpected happens, the news media goes nuts, they send camera crews to the scene and we get at least four or five good days of panels of liberal experts on CNN and MSNBC -- and Chuck Todd -- talking about it and demanding that we elected folks do something rash.
“Unlike with guns, most of this stuff isn’t even covered by constitutional amendments, so it should be a cinch to toss them in the circular file. We keep running up against opposition when we highlight firearms, so we need -- pardon the expression -- easier targets to wrap our talons around. Something that draws a lot of outrage from folks that can be done away with in a few sentences by Congress.”
Several staff members nodded their heads in agreement, so the Speaker was emboldened to continue, “Then we get maybe a week’s worth of clearance to devise and pass bills that will ban those dangerous activities. It will make our voters see that we care about them and make the Republicans look like callous schleps who don’t give a monkey’s patootie about saving lives at the same time. It’s as phony as it gets, but we’ve never cared much about the truth, have we?
“Constitutional rights? Pfft. Who needs those? We off a million unborn babies a year and no one talks about a right to do anything except discard a fetus. Who wants to propose something?”
Pelosi searched the mostly blank stares avoiding eye contact with her. For far too long her fellow Democrats had been fixated on banning guns alone. It was almost as though they considered it their ultimate hill to die on, figuratively speaking. But then abortion recently invaded the national consciousness and temporarily moved gun grabbing to the sidelines. But no longer.
“I got one!” Senator Dick Blumenthal shot up his hand, outwardly excited that his brain had produced an original thought. The faux Vietnam veteran usually had to rely on others to do the thinking for him -- or simply lying -- but at least for this moment, he could do it all himself.
“We can ban tomatoes! Wasn’t there that tomato that killed all those people in Kentucky last December? Dang, that was a really big wind! Sheesh, let’s get rid of the atmosphere while we’re at it!” (A staffer seated behind Dick got up and whispered something into his ear.) “Oops, I meant ban tor-na-does. Silly me. It had to be global warming or a sinister Mitch McConnell plot to poison the air that did it. (The same staffer got up again and repeated her action.) “Uh, I meant ban ‘climate change.’ But the McConnell part was right on.”
“Terrific idea, Dick!” Pelosi purposely emphasized the final syllable while shouting so loudly she nearly activated the sprinkler system. “If we pass a law outlawing devastating atmospheric events, it will kill two birds with one swoosh, kind of like a giant windmill does every hour in the real world. We can lump hurricanes in there with tornadoes, too. We’ll shut down every carbon belching internal combustion engine from here to eternity. We’ll bring back rowing slave ships manned by January 6 defendants for sea travel and the covered wagon to replace airplanes! We Democrats will live forever as saviors of the planet!
“Okay… who’s got another one?”
“Right here, Nan.” Alexandria Ocasio-Cortex spoke up impulsively. “This is kind of related to the last one, though I say it stands on its own. Blumie’s idea was brilliant. But shouldn’t we outlaw fog on freeways so there won’t be any car pileups? There are all those highway signs that say ‘Bridge freezes before the road’ but that doesn’t tell anyone anything. What about making it illegal to drive in fog on a highway?
“We can pass a law that creates a ‘Fog Free Zone’ and it will criminally and civilly punish the local weatherman every time there’s dense vapor.” AOC smiled girlishly at the notion while she surveyed the mugs around her for approval.
“Wow,” Pelosi retorted. “That’s another great thought, AOC! There’s always a first time (for a thought), right? Let’s get going on it after we finish up banning tornadoes. Who’s next?”
“Right here, Speak,” Eric Swalwell stood up from his chair. “Now that we’ve already arranged to get rid of all guns, we need a new obsession. A few years ago, off the coast of my state of California, there was that grotesque dive boat blaze that killed all those pleasure seekers. 34, I think, caused when batteries caught fire while they were all sleeping in their below deck bunks. Let’s ban batteries on boats. Better yet, let’s ban ALL boats! We can exempt members of Congress, of course. And Democrat donors. And Russian billionaires’ yachts. And sexy and seductive Chinese spies. But for everyone else, get your tuckus off the water before you get fried!
“That is an unbelievably great idea, Eric!” Pelosi returned the congressman’s affectionate glare, realizing the man needed copious amounts of approbation to keep from crying and to suppress his incessant urge to appear on MSNBC. “I remember that dive boat thing. What were those people doing on a boat with phone and camera batteries, anyway? Why would anyone need to charge them? That’s a dangerous activity. Get rid of it!
Senator Elizabeth “Pocahontas” Warren couldn’t remain silent any longer. She’d listened patiently to the others, but had an earth-shattering suggestion that needed to be blurted out. “I say we ban the southern border!” she exclaimed as the Massachusetts fake Native American’s bugged out eyes practically leapt from her skull behind her granny glasses.
“All those people just coming here for a better life died last fiscal year. Someone said the border patrol found 557 of them who’d drawn their last breath and expired. That’s much more than die in mass shootings, isn’t it? All those world citizens would be alive today if we’d just dissolved the border and let ‘em enter unhindered! We’ll turn the border patrol into a green card and junk food distribution agency. We’ll station ticket booths on the land where the line used to be, kind of like at Disneyland. We won’t make ‘em get COVID vaccines, either. What are they, truckers?”
“We’re getting some real great proposals, comrades!” Pelosi replied enthusiastically. “Jumping the border definitely is a dangerous activity. So instead of banning border crossings, we’ll just ban the border itself in toto. We can do anything, we’re Democrats! Besides, Joe n’ Kamala will dig the fact they won’t be asked about it anymore! Next?”
“How about firefighting?”, Senator Mazie Hirono chimed in. “I heard over a hundred (102) firefighters died in 2020. What for? Stifling fires? I think fires are beautiful, like Pele, the Hawaiian goddess of fire and volcanos. They should be allowed to live and breath oxygen and burn free of being put out by water and noxious chemicals. Then there’s the police. They’re getting shot and killed in record numbers. When they’re not shooting unarmed innocent black people, they’re evidently being shot at themselves.
“Why just defund them? We can completely ban them altogether for engaging in a dangerous activity. We can dedicate the money saved to climate change and paying for all abortions,” Hirono beamed as she finished spouting her latest stupid, inane and absurd concept. There is an intense annual competition for dumbest member of the senate, and Hirono is a regular finalist.
“Woohoo!” Pelosi bellowed, practically falling over from light-headedness. “Awesome job, Mazie! We can outlaw police and firefighting humans because of the nature of their jobs. Black Lives Matter will be happy and whatever is left of America’s inner cities can now deteriorate into utter chaos. We can rename that one Minnesota city ‘George Floyd-apolis’, too. Banning guns will disarm the innocents and then dissolving police and fire fighting forces will finish ‘em off! Dystopia, here we come! Who’s next!
“Can we hear from our RINO friend, Liz Cheney? It’s always nice to listen to a member of the animal kingdom.”
Suddenly stunned awake from her trance by hearing her name, the GOP’s greatest traitor kicked her instinct into gear and came up with a dangerous activity to prohibit. “Well, everyone knows I specialize in foreign policy, so I say we should ban terrorist suicide bombers like the one that killed all those U.S. military sitting ducks -- I mean soldiers -- last year in Afghanistan.
“Blowing oneself up could be thought of as a dangerous activity, couldn’t it? I would think even my ignorant, dangerous-tyrant loving fellow GOPers would be cool with doing away with bomb vests. You know, the perpetrators are Muslims, so we already know Trump supporters are a bunch of white supremacists and naturally hate them. So, saving white military personnel is a higher calling for those rednecks.”
“Ow-oooo, na, na, na!” Pelosi hollered like Paul McCartney in the Beatles classic, ‘Hey Jude’ from 55 years ago. “If we ban terrorist suicide bombs it’ll look good to our Israeli allies, too. They’ll like Democrats again. No matter how many duplicitous and awful things we do to favor Palestinian and Iranian fanatics, they won’t care. As for the Saudis… who gives a wad of excrement!
“I think we have time for one more. Next!”
“I wasn’t going to say anything”, Jen Psaki mumbled from behind a particularly obscured piece of plexiglass that someone had etched ‘Killjoy was here’ into with a sharp object. “I mean, I’m not part of the administration any longer and therefore nobody cares about my opinion. But I know the president and I know he would want to ban a whole bunch of stuff in addition to the life-threatening activities y’all just mentioned.
Pelosi shot Jen a quizzical look. ‘This is Congress’, Nancy thought to herself, starting to get angry over the obvious uninvited executive incursion onto hers and Chucky Schumer’s sacred domain. But the old hag decided to say nothing, fearing a backlash from the senile commander in chief once he got wind of it. So, Psaki continued without rebuke.
“From having served in the White House during all those crises Joe fostered, here’s a list of things to outlaw with the man’s automatic approval: First, Train derailments. As a longtime customer of accident-prone AMTRAK, Mr. Biden lived in holy terror that his next ride could be his last. There was that one in Philadelphia, remember? Get rid of government subsidized passenger trains leaving the tracks.
“Second, crowds and parades. We didn’t make a big stink about it at the time, but Joe wasn’t happy with that parade accident where an SUV mowed down all those people in Cheesehead-land. It affected him, you know, even if the victims were white and probably Trump voters and the driver was a member of his most devoted constituency, black leftist separatist radicals. No more parades, no more murderous SUV’s. And there was that thing in Nebraska last weekend, too. Bad stuff. “Third, we should ban team buses, too, since that college golf team was killed on the road going to a tournament in New Mexico earlier this year. Or was it Texas? Doesn’t matter. Riding on a bus on a highway can be a dangerous activity. Just think about all those contorted and bent golf clubs scattered on the pavement? What a waste! If we ban buses, it will never happen again, and we can also finally be rid of sports, too. “Fourth, Flying is a dangerous activity, especially when planes just disappear off the radar and plunge into the Indian Ocean. Ban it. Don’t talk about potentially suicidal Muslim pilots, but the act of boarding a plane is inherently risky. No more! Cruise ships, too. They might capsize after running aground.
“Lastly, in no particular order, other dangerous activities on the president’s hit list are: tsunamis -- remember the one in 2004 that killed 250,000 people? Definitely dangerous to live near the ocean. Let’s ban waterfront living… which will have climate change benefits, too.
“Last but not least, COVID. We didn’t defeat the virus, it defeated us. It’s probably because Congress didn’t dedicate enough money to killing the plague, don’t you think?”
Pelosi ignored Psaki’s purposeful insult and instead nodded in conformity with the others like the octogenarian coward that she is. “We tried to bankrupt the country and spend every last iota of U.S. credit to battle Americans’ yearning for liberty and self-determination and religious freedom. Rest assured, we’ll keep up the public relations campaign and get those kids back locked in their homes and unionized teachers can then go on a permanent vacation. Wearing masks, of course!
“Well, troops, it looks like we’ve got our work cut out for us in banning every possible dangerous activity out there. I'm a little surprised no one mentioned 'drunk driving', but that would've just been piling on. Thanks for the compassion. Anyone who stands in our way is not only an obstructionist, he, she or ‘it’ should be indicted for attempted murder, like Joy Behar lectured on ‘The View’ about that heinous Florida devil, Ron DeSantis.
“Let’s mobilize! On your marks… get set… GO!”
--No one can say for sure what Democrats will come up with in the wake of last week’s mass murder event in Texas. Knee-jerk reactionary liberals naturally grab for the low hanging fruit when a gun is involved, but what’s to say they won’t go farther and just ban freedom itself? Can life be completely rid of danger? Let’s hope we never find out.
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