Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Joe Biden’s presidency! Happy birthday to yyyyooooouuu!
Though it’s doubtful many Americans will sing the traditional birthday ditty to senile president Joe Biden on the one-year birthday/anniversary of his administration today, millions will no doubt recognize and recall that it’s been a full earthly trip ‘round the sun since the rickety old doofus from Delaware/Pennsylvania raised his right hand, recited the magic words and instantly transformed into the most powerful (in terms of military and economic might) human being on the planet. Those on the other side of Biden’s inauguration likely didn’t tune-in, knowing full well that the man they’d chosen to lead the nation for a second four year term had already departed the Washington swamp to head south and regroup from what had been two and a half months (since Election Day, 2020) of controversy, disappointment, rage, and a couple weeks prior to January 20, a disgrace. The mob that broke into the Capitol building -- granted many were let in by the police holding the doors open for them -- tarnished the reputation of Donald Trump’s presidency. Some of us should be forgiven for believing Trump’s political career would never recover from the shock the nation endured on January 6. Some surmise the country still hasn’t healed. Looks often deceive, don’t they? But as more facts emerge regarding what transpired on January 6 and the former president makes public appearances attended by tens of thousands of supporters, Trump’s past is forgiven and forgotten and his future still very much lives. We’ll see. It’s one of the fun aspects of following politics -- you never know what’s around the proverbial next corner. What we do understand now, one year spent, is that Joe Biden is every bit the unfunny leftist woke joke a host of us predicted he would be. From nearly a half century of DC precedent to rely on, we knew Barack Obama’s intellectually and ethically challenged veep was no “uniter” of the country. And he wasn’t “moderate” despite what the media repeatedly insisted was true. And he wasn’t a leader, or a healer of wounds, either. Or a great man. This past year reenforced the impressions once again -- and created new ones. Now we’re stuck with him. Salena Zito put it succinctly at The Washington Examiner:
“Biden bears no resemblance today to the man who ran for president, pledging over and over again to unify the country and restore a sense of calm and normalcy to politics. From the day he was sworn in to office and signed executive orders putting thousands out of work in the energy industry, he ceased to be that guy from Scranton that people thought he was.
“He has not been that guy since he invited, through ill-considered policy changes, untold numbers of illegal immigrants across our borders. He has not been that guy since he miserably failed the troops and the nation's image during his catastrophic tail-between-his-legs retreat from Afghanistan.
“Biden, despite having no mandate and only the barest legislative majority for his party, has turned divide-and-conquer politics into the solution for everything, including the pandemic.”
None of this was unanticipated. There were plenty of instances on the 2020 Democrat primary campaign trail where Joe Biden the jerk appeared out of nowhere. Practically everyone I’ve talked to who has spent time around the current president describes him as friendly and accommodating, a family man through and through. But take Joe out of his back slappin’, hair sniffin’, child repellin’, nude swimmin’, sexual assault denyin’, Air Force One steps stumblin’ element and the beast bursts out of his otherwise placid and failing body. Get Biden’s dander up and his teeth suddenly look twice their regular size, he squints his eyes and the insults start flowing like the Nile River through the desert. Remember when he said Paul Ryan was full of malarkey? This is not a nice man we’re talking about. How will Biden spend the one-year “birthday” of his administration today? Will he even realize what the occasion means? Here’s a speculative (and comedic) look at how it might begin on this day: --In a silent first family bedchamber at the White House, an alarm buzzer goes off and wakes Joe Biden from his restless sleep. He’d been tossing and turning most of the night but managed to drift into deep slumber near dawn. “Man, that was a terrific dream, bound to come true,” the still drowsy chief executive said to himself upon opening his 79-year-old eyes. “Here it is my inauguration day and the country is in happy mode just waiting for me to take over and do stuff and make speeches and go places and sign things and make phone calls and take photos with strangers and that great routine I learned from the ‘Big O’ all those years ago. Now it’s my turn, and it’s gonna be great. Imagine the hairdos I’m gonna sniff! By the time I’m done, I’ll be able to identify the different shampoos like a wine connoisseur differentiates between varietals.” After a couple minutes of wild imaginative delusions Joe rose to his feet and put on the suit the servants had laid out for him after consulting with his chief of staff and Jen Psaki the night before. Looking dapper, Biden reached for the door only to see Kamala Harris appear in front of him with a familiar scowl on her mug. She astoundingly wasn’t adorned in her striking pastel colored inauguration pantsuit, which brought a puzzled look to the much older man’s face. “Hey Kamala, it’s our big day, ain’t it? We’re gonna change the world, starting in a few hours. You’d better get back to your place and get robed up in purple like Barney the Dinosaur. The limos are leaving in two shakes of the lamb’s tail, gal,” Joe said innocently, flashing his guileless grin to the perceptibly doubting woman. Realizing that Joe was experiencing another one of his memory lapses/hallucinations, the vice president replied not so patiently, “Snap out of your funk, Joe. Inauguration Day was last year. You’re imagining things again, just like last week when you said you recollected being arrested in a freedom march. You’ve never done crap for civil rights. I was that ‘little girl on the bus’, remember? You hung out with racists and now you’re calling everyone who doesn’t support ditching Voter ID a racist. Spare me the hogwash. I ain’t swallowin’ it no more.” Biden froze for a moment, not comprehending Harris’s new tone or anything else she talked about. ‘Inauguration was a year ago? Couldn’t be. I don’t remember a thing about it.’ ‘Kamala lies all the time. I can’t tell if she’s just trying to fool me again so I’ll jump off the White House second floor balcony like I used to threaten to do. Who will tell me the truth?’ Deciding to test his second in command, Joe queried, “If it’s a year after our inauguration day, what has happened since? Are we as popular as we should be? Have Republicans all surrendered to us and made everyone in the country who voted for you and me filthy rich? Has the earth cooled? Do foreign nations love us again? Are all the white supremacists burning in you-know-where? Is Hunter wealthy and famous? And most importantly, who’s our press secretary?” “Jen Psaki,” Kamala answered casually. “I wanted Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to do it, but she mentioned something about you being a pathetic old goat and said she’d rather kiss Nancy Pelosi’s rear end every day than work for us -- ‘not for all the rubles in Russia’ is how she put it. Psaki worked for Obama, so she was the only one who would willingly assume the position. Imagine having to lie for hours every day? Sheesh, it’s a lot to ask of normal people.” Biden frowned at the news and then stared at the floor. Kamala went on, “What’s happened this past year, you wonder? Do you really not remember, Joe?” Biden shook his head no. “Okay… where do I start? You cancelled the Keystone pipeline and tens of thousands lost their jobs. Oil rates skyrocketed, contributing to gas prices practically doubling in a year’s time. Inflation’s shot up to 7 percent. Then you appointed me to be in charge of the border because illegal aliens were -- and still are -- flowing over it like a suicidal Trump-supporting Appalachian opioid addict descending Niagara Falls in a barrel. “The aliens are still headed here despite me telling them not to come. I went down to central America and told Lester Holt that I’ve never been to Europe. Then you put me in charge of cramming our big unconstitutional federal election takeover scheme through Congress. Kyrsten Sinema and Joe Manchin are being complete obstructionist jackasses by not agreeing to trash the filibuster. So the voting thing didn’t go anywhere and everyone’s still arguing about it. “Last week in Atlanta you called our opponents racists for about the millionth time. “Speaker Nancy and Cryin’ Chucky are doing their best to pass the ‘Build Back (More) Better’ agenda but it’s hopelessly stalled even after being cut in half from its original size. That hillbilly Manchin said something about inflation being too high and that scuttling clean coal factories wasn’t a good idea for his state. We sent leftist freaks to change his mind for him but all they did was make him mad when they surrounded and pounded on his Maserati. “We won’t give a straight answer on if we’re running for reelection. Fellow Democrats are lining up to either run against us or replace us if/when we bow out. “You ordered the hasty military pullout of Afghanistan, which was a total fiasco. Some terrorists blew up a bunch of Marines. You looked at your watch 13 times when their flag draped caskets came home, then ran for your house after getting the heck off of Dover Air Force Base. The Taliban still won’t let a ton of people out of their country. They ignore us and are probably working with China now. We ended up gifting them $80-something billion in military stores and equipment. The media ripped us for incompetence. While Afghanistan was unraveling, I was in Vietnam. How fitting! “The economy is in the tank. People don’t want a job anymore because Democrats passed a ‘relief” bill that paid folks not to work and to use the COVID thing as an excuse to slack off in perpetuity. Businesses can’t find people to work despite boosting wages through the roof. There’s a supply chain crisis. You appointed that wuss Pete Butt to oversee transportation but he n’ hubby/wife Chasten adopted a pair of brats and Pete stayed home for a couple months on maternity/paternity(?) leave. “More people have died of/with COVID than did under Trump. Then you said ending the pandemic is a state problem. Vaccine mandates soar like a lead balloon. We can’t just send Fauci out to lie anymore. The jig is up. Everyone knows by now that he’s an incompetent bureaucrat and an arrogant cuss who belongs in prison. “Your attorney general has locked up a bunch of peaceful January 6 protesters, put them in squalid conditions and now the media’s starting to catch on that they’re not insurrectionists, but actual political prisoners. Then the FBI let it be known that we’re spying on parents at school board meetings, treating them like potential terrorists. It doesn’t look good, Joe. “A Republican beat Terry McAuliffe in the off-year Virginia governor’s election and now the new guy’s outlawed mask mandates in schools and banned the teaching of Critical Race Theory. The GOP also has a conservative black woman as the Old Dominion’s Lieutenant Governor and a Hispanic as Attorney General -- and he’s fired a bunch of Democrat lawyers in his office. What happened to the minority vote being a sure lock for Democrats? It’s all because of you. “Some lowly Republican truck driver defeated the sitting Democrat state senate majority leader in New Jersey and our boy Phil Murphy almost lost, too. Republicans also got back the majority in the Virginia House of Delegates. The chances of passing meaningful gun grabs there now is like, nil. “Our poll numbers are awful. One of ‘em said last week that you’re at 33 percent approval. Republicans are beating the crap out of us on the 2022 generic ballot. Looks like we’re gonna lose Congress big time this year. My numbers are as bad or worse than yours. You appointed some experts to coach me so I won’t be so phony all the time and be more likable. Didn’t work. I can’t stop cackling and whenever I open my mouth, I sound like a bubble brained airhead. My staff is leaving so fast I might not need office space if it keeps up like this. “The establishment media did its best to hide most of this stuff but now has all but abandoned us. The other day even CNN’s Don Lemon moaned about how disappointed he is in us. “Oh yeah, that devil Trump is watching all of this and commenting on it. Everyone says he’s going to run again in ’24, and it would be almost impossible to beat him. We tried to impeach him a second time over January 6 last year, but it went down in flames…” Kamala noticeably paused to take a breath. “Shall I go on?” “Can you?” the president replied, shocked at what he’d just heard. “Oh yes. There’s much more to tell. You visited the Vatican and went number two in your skivvies right in front of the Pope. Supposedly… I wasn’t there. Maybe he’d mentioned the word ‘excommunication’ after you’d talked to him about your abortion-on-demand stance. You know how the closer-than-you-think heavenly judgment makes you nervous, Joe “Then you fell asleep at the climate conference during one of the speaker’s presentations. You yelled at and chased a reporter after meeting with our pal Vlad Putin. You keep saying ‘I was told to call on…’ when you give a news conference. And most worst-est of all, you farted long and loudly in front of Camilla Parker Bowles at COP 26. “What’s the deal Joe, can’t you at a minimum make it silent? In that environment with everyone talking, no one should be able to hear nothing, least of all a little escaped gastrointestinal vapor. Didn’t hanging out with Hunter teach you that skill when he was high off rocks and scamming the Ukrainians?
“There’s a lot more and I’m just warmin’ up…” the vice president’s words trailed off as Biden raised his opened palm up to her well-oiled gabbing mouth. “Enough!” senile Joe shouted, tears rolling down both cheeks and he suddenly feared he would evacuate his bowels again if she kept babbling. “I am the Democrat party. I am the Constitution. I am the United States government. I am… well, whatever I darn well want to be. Bow before me! Kamala did as commanded, like the dutiful and submissive veep she always intended to be. “I don’t believe any of this!” Joe protested. “Here I was, dreaming about having my name listed at the top of the best presidents ever, and by what you’re saying, I’m gonna be right down there with Jimmy Carter and James Buchanan. And LBJ. And Herbert Hoover. I smoke all those chumps in capability and cool-ness. Now let’s get over to the capitol right now and get our first year started. “Or start it all over again. Whatever! If it’s not too late, I’ll just have Dr. Jill take the VP oath instead of you. Or Michelle Obama. She’ll be there, won’t she? Do I have time to call Barack?
“I’m so confused!”
Joe Biden may or may not remember everything that’s happened in his first months in office, or he might choose to forget the events that led to his historic unpopularity after one year. Regardless of his memory, the facts won’t change. Americans won’t be celebrating anything on this day, and choose to look towards a brighter, more hopeful future.
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