Another year gone by. It’s time to look back but also glance forward, consider the past but move to the future. Imagine this scenario:
New Year’s Eve at the White House, Democrats gather to commemorate and celebrate another year of relentless leftist assaults on traditional American norms, customs, history and fiscal sanity.
The mood in the vaunted American mansion is generally jubilant but also with tangible somber overtones, since the hated Republican Party managed to win enough House seats in places like New York, Florida and California to gain a lower chamber majority and simultaneously wrest the Speaker’s gavel from the gnarled old fingers of 82-year-old Nancy Pelosi. While liberals actually gained one senate seat in a year when Republicans defended 21 seats to the Democrats’ 14 – including several open GOP seats – the compilation of the upper chamber points towards a continuation of the march towards “woke” destruction and socialism that began in January, 2021, under the dastardly corruptive guidance of president senile Joe Biden.
As the evening wore on and the clock hands moved further and further away from the 80-year-old president’s typical bedtime (somewhere around dark), someone in the crowd of bored and listless Democrats suggests livening up the fiesta by having the top echelon sit around the White House dining room table and each pol taking a turn at revealing their New Year’s resolutions.
Realizing that her boss would have difficulty understanding the basic concept of the game, Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre takes Biden aside and informs him that he’d be going first and that he is supposed to tell his guests about his resolutions for the coming 365 days – meaning, what would you do differently/better in 2023, Joe?
“Where’s my ice cream?” senile Joe asked as he took his seat at the head of the table. Under the mistaken impression this call to sit was simply the third or fourth desert course of the evening, the mentally faltering old dolt couldn’t grasp why his favorite frozen sweet delight wasn’t already waiting for him.
Dr. Jill Biden, seated to his left, impatiently got up from her chair and whispered something in the old fool’s ear about what he needed to do now. With eyes rolling and teeth gritting, senile Joe spoke to the suddenly silenced large room.
“What am I gonna do differently starting tomorrow?” Biden asked Dr. Jill, incredulous at being asked to recite such an impertinent thing. “Didn’t the media already pose this question to me a month ago? I looked the dude in the eye, leaned forward from the lectern and said… ‘Nothing’. What’s not clear about that? Why would I need to change anything I do?”
He continued, “New Year’s resolutions are for people with a soul. Or a working memory. Or a functioning brain… none of which I’m in possession of. So what do I resolve to be in 2023? I’m gonna be Joe Biden like Joe Biden’s never been before. Got that, Jack? I’m gonna go places n’ talk to people with titles and lecture the world on ‘climate change’ and COVID, and make everyone believe that I am the fix for all political problems and the poison of politics.
“Oh yeah, I’m gonna order my people to stamp out the MAGA-fascists, too.”
Those who’d stayed for this final phase of 2022 could scarcely believe their ears, but this was Joe Biden we’re talking about. It’s often said of Donald Trump to take him seriously but not literally, but with Joe Biden, you can’t take him seriously or literally. Just ignore him. Prop him before a microphone and put his name on a ballot and everything’s fine in Democrat-land.
“That’s right, Joe,” Barack Obama, seated in the first corner seat next to Biden on the man’s right, said, figuring it was his turn to talk. “Unlike you, I think it’s easy to make New Year’s resolutions. In 2023, I’m going to hang out with you more, Joe. Me n’ Michelle will watch the polls like crazy, and the minute we deem that you’re washed up, we’re going to jump in the primary race and rescue the Democrat party from people like you -- just like we’ve done so many other times before.
“Ain’t that right Michelle?” Obama glared at his wife seated next to him. The visibly intoxicated former first lady merely nodded ‘yes’, a gesture she was used to repeating every time her husband said anything to her, which wasn’t often. She then laid her head down on the table and began snoring loudly, her mouth parched from an overindulgence of champagne and Jack Daniels. Barack tried to stifle the noise by placing a cloth napkin over the back of her head, which only seemed to make the situation worse.
“Just be yourself in 2023, ol’ buddy” Biden replied. “You don’t need to make resolutions either. Oh yeah, one more thing – the next time you visit the White House, can you at least pretend to acknowledge my presence? It’s embarrassing being in my own place and seeing everyone drawn towards you instead of chatting with me. I’m the star now, bud.”
With a lull in the conversation, Karine Jean-Pierre looked to Michelle Obama’s right and asked gingerly, “Senator-elect John Fetterman, what do you vow to do differently in 2023?”
The light slowly returned to Fetterman’s eyes similar to the way a computer wakes up when you move the mouse after a few hours of electronic “sleep” time. Jean-Pierre, remembering that the newly elected Pennsylvania senator can’t yet comprehend spoken words after his stroke, dutifully wrote the question down on a post-it note and passed it to the ogre-like 6’9” bald monster seated in an oversized chair which the staff hastily retrieved once they’d realized the table was going to be used for this New Year’s resolution exercise.
“Oh yeah,” a look of recognition crossed Fetterman’s face and he began to mumble his answer in barely coherent sentences, after which everyone at the table politely applauded as parents do when a second grader reads his work during Young Authors Day. “Uh, I gonna do stuff in the senate. Dr. Oz is a stupid rich guy. We’re gonna ditch the filibuster. Taxes. Lots of taxes. Welfare. Lots of welfare. Fracking. Climate Change. Abortion… lots of abortions. I think that’s about it” the hoody wearing freak managed to recite half of what he remembered from his campaigning days a couple months ago.
Just as Fetterman’s wife Gisele Barreto Fetterman cleared her throat to speak – again – for her husband, Hunter Biden interjected his own feelings on being whacked-out on drugs and not knowing where you are or what you’re saying at any given moment. Thank the powers-that-be that he’d had the good sense to document everything and make a record of his communications on that laptop for all to see!
“Ahem,” Hunter enunciated. “I plan to make 2023 my best year yet,” the youngest Biden boy boasted. “With my pal over there, better known to my colleagues as ‘The Big Guy’, I’m going to really delve deep into Chinese, Ukrainian and Russian businesses. We’re gonna play all sides off each other and sell influence to the highest bidder. Ten percent will be held in reserve by me for ol’ Joe over there. Even if he loses the 2024 election, he’ll be set for his ultra-Golden days with all the ice cream and crabcakes he can eat! Who needs a presidential pension?
“And when my current marriage fails, I’ll have all the babes and illegal substances I can devote money to. It’ll be epic! Maybe I’ll paint a picture of the fallout with more random blobs and swirls.”
Senile Joe frowned and sighed noticeably when Hunter kept rambling about stuff that no one was supposed to know about. Politician Joe had already called Hunter the smartest person he knew, so what good was it to embellish the boy’s crooked personal history? Besides, Hunter didn’t even mention his stepmother or siblings as motivations for his quest. Joe made a mental note to speak to Hunter about the mistake, but forgot the admonition almost as quickly as he’d formulated it.
Barely able to contain his excitement any longer, Mitt Romney, seated directly opposite the president at the other end of the table, spoke up next. “I know I’m not a Democrat, and I’m a former Republican presidential candidate,” the former Massachusetts governor turned carpetbagger Utahn admitted coyly, “But I’m going to dedicate my 2023 to ensuring that every ‘woke’ Democrat pipedream comes to fruition through the budget or marching with Black Lives Matter… or by pretending that my hair gel made me do it.”
The RINO senator continued, “Donald Trump is a rich guy who actually made good, unlike me, a guy who took a position on all sides of every issue and will be remembered as an empty suit by Democrats, a turncoat by Republicans and an idiot by American voters. I want to be the perfect tool in 2023!”
“I bet you do, Mitt,” senile Joe bellowed while pounding his closed fists on the table. “Barry and I might not have won in ’12 if it weren’t for you and that weenie Paul Ryan. We were vulnerable as heck after that Benghazi thing and you and Candy Crowley came along to save us by not talking about anything substantive during the campaign. That hurricane in the tri-state area before Election Day didn’t hurt, either. Did you tell Chris Christie to hug Barack just in time to save us?”
Romney smiled and winked at his president, the joke being on the rest of the country. It will remain their little secret.
Moving on, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez went next. Wearing her latest expensive fashion design that particularly emphasized her big Latina booty, the early 30’s-ish New York congresswoman seemed resentful that she had to spend New Year’s Eve at the White House with this contingent of broken-down old goats, political has-beens and braindead losers rather than a hip nightclub packed with enlightened Democrat-voting youth.
Nevertheless, AOC stuck to the theme of the late evening. “Unlike some of you, I have lots of resolutions,” the woman said proudly. “I’m going to rouse my ‘Squad’ to advocate for more hypocrisy in imposing laws on everyone else that we wouldn’t dream of following ourselves. I personally think I’ll buy the biggest gas guzzling SUV on the planet and then chide everyone else who does the same.
“I’m gonna double my presence on social media. I want to be the face of Tik Tok. I wanna personally get inside the scull of Elon Musk and bring back the Democrat sensors at Twitter. I wanna talk to people about a possible run for president. And I want the Green New Deal codified into law instead of merely passed through executive orders. I got my work cut out for me, don’t I?”
Biden nodded in the affirmative, appreciative that someone had finally referred to his executive orders in a positive and praiseworthy light. Senile Joe had an inferiority complex the size of the moon. Maybe AOC could provide therapy for him?
Soon to be former Speaker Nancy Pelosi shot AOC a dirty look when the much younger Democrat was speaking, taking it as a personal insult that the media seemed to shower such special adoration on the attractive back bencher nearly a half-century her junior. “I resolve to lie in wait for the new Democrat House leadership to screw up and then call on me to resume my mantle as caucus leader for life,” Pelosi smiled widely at the notion of being needed.
“We can’t have these snot-nosed punks just elbowing us octogenarians to the side, can we? Heck, I got to Congress in 1987. Was AOC even born then? And you, Joe, you arrived in DC when Nixon was still scheming the Watergate break-in. Together, we’ve put in decades’ worth of growing the power of government. We’re the ones who know how!” San Fran Nan whimpered weakly.
“Good point, Nance,” Joe answered. “Maybe we should vow to move to Florida and visit Juan Ponce de León’s Fountain of Youth. But Ron DeSantis probably swims in it already. Look how young he looks!”
Most of those at the table were wiping tears out of their eyes at the thought of 2022’s minutes winding down. Attorney General Merrick Garland decided to go out of turn to beat the clock and the statute of limitations on sleaze. What do the rules – or the law -- mean to him, anyway?
“I’m going to make sure we nail Trump’s butt to the wall in 2023,” the spurned Obama Supreme Court nominee promised. “And all those January 6 cretins being tried in DC courts, they’re going to prison for life! No more political speech allowed, at least nothing bad about our regime. We’ll lock up pro-lifers, parents, conservative pundits (like Steve Bannon) and anyone else who gets in our way.
“Oh wait, we’ve already done that! I’m scribbling an arrest warrant for Donald Trump right now!”
The party attendees erupted in another round of heartfelt applause and levity, with Kamala Harris cackling and screeching in her own famous way. She was glad she didn’t have to supply a New Year’s resolution because, like her boss, she didn’t plan on changing a thing in 2023.
The Democrats – and Mitt Romney -- were giddy and feeling as though everyone now had the proper mindset going into the new year. Dr. Jill Biden was the last one to volunteer to speak, so all eyes suddenly concentrated on her.
“Oh, my resolution is easy,” the fake doctor elaborated. “I’m going to get involved in every little detail of my hubby’s reelection campaign and micromanage the country, just as I’ve been doing for the past two years. That’s it.
“And eat a lot of diverse breakfast tacos.”
New Year’s is a special time of reflection, not only towards the year left behind but also to renew our energy for the hard work in the months to come. I’m confident 2023 will be another fascinating journey through American history; one can only hope everyone resolves to make it a good, productive and memorable one.
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