The Right Resistance: Cryin’ Chucky Schumer answers Dems' question -- What would Harry Reid do?
I think it’s safe to say a lot of people woke up this morning with a different sort of feeling, it being the first workday of 2022 for many. With the holidays -- and 2021 -- in the rearview
mirror, some folks are still enjoying a little rest and relaxation before concentrating on the heavy stuff the new year promises to bring. Though it technically took place “last year”, America received a piece of shocking news last week. Notorious Democrat Senate Leader Harry Reid passed on after a years-long bout with pancreatic cancer. I didn’t even realize that Reid was ill, so learning of his final days was jolting, just as it was with the demise of “Mr. Football,” John Madden, and seemingly every other famous person who’s death was unanticipated in recent times. (I’ll miss Betty White, too) Conservatives gave their respectful tributes to Reid, remembering him as a hard-nosed liberal Democrat who played a large part in the utter destruction of comity in the otherwise historically collegial upper chamber, crediting Harry for advocating his positions without making it personal (or at least Mitch McConnell said so). Nonetheless, Reid will not be missed by our half of the political spectrum. Liberal establishment media members will try their hand at defining who Harry really was -- but we’ll remember him differently. One person who will definitely rue Reid’s departure is current Senate Majority Leader Charles “Chucky” Schumer. Despite vast differences in style and background, Schumer said he learned everything he knows from the native Nevadan and former boxer. Burgess Everett reported at Politico last week:
“When Senate Democrats are in a jam, a question sometimes quietly bubbles up on Capitol Hill: What would Harry Reid have done?
“That the query itself still surfaces five years after Reid left the Senate is a mark of respect for the pugnacious longtime Democratic leader and his brute force style of leadership, which the public and politicos alike are remembering anew after Reid’s death Tuesday. These days, longtime senators and staffers wonder how the feisty Nevadan would have handled problems such as Sen. Joe Manchin’s resistance to President Joe Biden’s agenda and Sen. Kyrsten Sinema’s outspoken refusals to significantly change the filibuster rules.
“Chuck Schumer, now majority leader, was a close personal friend and protege of Reid’s, and their shared leadership of the Senate Democrats over the past 15 years has defined the caucus from top to bottom. For all their similarities and partnerships, the former boxer from small-town Searchlight, Nev., and the chatty pol from Brooklyn each developed their own view of how to run the fractious Democratic Caucus.”
Well, it’s often said that no one should speak ill of the dead, so I’ll try and adhere to the maxim and speak ill of Schumer alone here. Most conservatives observe little difference in the leadership styles of Reid and Chucky, them both being immovable lying obstructionist stonewalls whenever it came to addressing the vexing political matters of the day. Reid retired before Donald Trump took office, but Schumer filled-in just as though nothing had changed on Capitol Hill.
From Trump’s inauguration ceremony, I recall the crowd’s immediate and noticeably disgusted reaction when Schumer came to the podium to recite his short speech, which was predictably nauseating and signaled that it was going to be almost impossible to count on any cooperation from the minority faction to Make America Great Again. The era of fierce partisanship that Harry Reid bequeathed to Schumer was going to continue uninterrupted. No surprise there.
According to Everett’s reporting, Schumer called the late party stalwart, “’my leader, my mentor, one of my dearest friends.’ The two continued speaking regularly since Reid left office.”
No one can say for sure how Schumer took the news of Reid’s passing when he received it, but maybe the moment looked and sounded a little like this:
--Nancy Pelosi hurriedly strolled from her office in the House region of the Capitol over to the senate side to drop in on bosom chum and political soulmate “Chucky” Schumer. Upon walking straight past the majority leader’s assistant and brazenly opening the door to his enclave unannounced, the House Speaker noticed that the younger man was weeping uncontrollably.
Recognizing from experience that it was always best to cut the perpetual tension surrounding Schumer enduring one of his funks with a little humor, Nancy P quipped, “What’s wrong, Chucky? Did Trump say something mean about immigrants again? I remember that the mere mention of the subject gets you crying like a wussy. Trump said your tears were fake. Is that true?”
In between loud and interminable sobs, Chucky replied in his nasally thick New York accent, “No, they weren’t fake, Nance. I really do love unvetted Muslim refugees. And the tears are real now, too, because I can’t stop weeping over my mentor Harry Reid’s death. The man taught me so many things about how to damn up the system and say impossibly candid but untrue and mean-spirited barbs at Republicans. I’m going to observe a brief moment of silence for Harry, then we can talk about how I’m going to honor his memory by really sticking it to the GOP in the coming session.”
At that, Chucky bowed his head and closed his mouth for the first time in months, appeared to compose a silent prayer and raised a fist with a one-fingered salute at the portrait of Donald Trump on the wall. When he had clearly concluded, Pelosi asked Schumer to explain why he kept a picture of the hated fellow New Yorker in a prominent place in this Democrat hemisphere.
“Oh. That’s to remind me every day what we’re really here for, Madame Speaker. Us Democrats live to do everything the opposite way Trump did it because he was a racist sexual predator and mercilessly bashed on liberals every chance he got.
“If Trump wanted less business regulation and lower taxes, we’re for regulating the crap out of productive people and robbing them of every incentive to produce more and thus pay more in taxes. If he wanted American energy independence, we’re for vastly curtailing domestic production and inflicting pain at the pump. That’s what climate change really means, right? If he wanted religious freedom and constitutional liberties, we’re for stifling freedom and punishing believers.
“Seriously, you should get a Trump photo yourself, Nance. Then you’ll realize precisely where you should be as a Democrat.”
‘As if anyone could understand more than me what it means to be a Democrat,’ Pelosi thought. But she let the intentional insult pass. The guy’s in mourning. Don’t push it. ‘Hopefully he’ll stop crying and we can get something done. It’s a long walk across the rotunda and I’m still scared wit-less that more Trump supporters are lurking around the corner in here. The January 6 anniversary is in a few days. I bet some of them hid out of sight this whole time.’
“Okay, Chucky. I came here to show moral support for you, but let’s get down to it. I’m starting my last year as Speaker and I want to go out with the satisfaction that America is thoroughly transformed and ruined forever. Practically speaking, we only have a few months to get things done. As soon as the primary season starts our ‘moderates’ are going to freeze up like chickens sensing a fox near the coop.
“Senile Joe’s approval ratings are in the dumps, so he won’t be able to help us much. And his mind wanders like a kid at a carnival whenever his meds dosage dwindles. Gimme the scoop, bud. What would Harry Reid have done?”
Chucky thought for a second, wiped his final tears away with his shirt sleeve and replied confidently, “Reid would’ve taken no prisoners, Nance. He’d say bad stuff about Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema to the media and then taken them behind closed doors and waterboarded ‘em until they relented. I’ve seen it happen myself, and it’s a beautiful thing. I’ve tried to take the opposite approach to achieve party unity -- I’ve left ‘em alone -- but the leftists are breathing down my neck now.
“I agree that time is short. If Manchin won’t give in on Build Back (More) Better, we’ll start a political romance with some of the Republicans. It’d probably be easier to get Lisa Murkowski or Mitt Romney to turn than it would be to convince a West Virginian that fossil fuels are the turds of the devil himself.
“No one outside of our caucus conference rooms truly believes that renewable energy is going to supplant inexpensive and plentiful clean coal, natural gas and oil products. When the proletariat -- I mean the citizens -- realizes that what we’re suggesting is practically impossible, they’re going to grab their God forsaken pitchforks and Tea Party flags and get after us, Nance.
“What to do? We’re gonna vote and vote and vote ‘til our votin’ fingers are sore. There’s gonna be so much voting that it’ll make a Fulton County ballot drop box look like an empty recycling receptacle at a disgustingly rich billionaire environmentalist Democrat’s mansion. It’ll keep our senators in town where they won’t be able to escape my piercing glare forever. A good stare can be more effective than a gun.”
Pelosi winced at the mere mention of a firearm in the hands of someone other than her personal bodyguards but seemed to appreciate her senate pal’s earnestness, determination and enthusiasm. For too long the House has sent terrific leftist bills over to the other side only to have Republicans sit on and asphyxiate them.
“It’s great that you’re finally going to do something, Chucky,” Pelosi said condescendingly. “I’ve got ‘The Squad’ threatening to unleash their supporters on you and me if we can’t get some action on climate change boondoggles and forever altering the welfare state. We’ve been lying to the police, saying that white supremacists are the most severe threat to this country when it’s really the kooks in the House that are the problem.
The San Franciscan continued, “I’m sorry about Harry. I learned a lot from him too, though I like to think he got his nastiness from me. You’re learning, pal. But put the tears back in your head and get something done. How about staging a hunger strike in front of Joe Manchin’s house? Maybe he’ll drive you to the hospital in his Maserati.”
Now that 2022 has finally kicked the awful 2021 off the calendar, it’s time for conservatives and Republicans to do a little moving of our own. It’s no longer enough to simply stop the Democrats in their tracks. We need to go on offense and advocate for conservative policies and traditional American culture. When to start? How about today?
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