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  • Jeffrey A. Rendall

Assault on America, Day 713: Hunter haunts Joe Biden, the sad tale of corruption and criminality

The dirtiest two words in the English language to Democrats: Hunter Biden

“This could complicate things.”


I wasn’t there last week when president-elect Joe Biden received the news that son Hunter was under federal investigation for tax crimes, but it couldn’t have been a pretty and fragrant set of words emanating from the 78-year-old’s mouth as he reacted to the scenario. No president wants to have his first days -- or last days, or the days in between -- clouded by scandal, but the likelihood that boy wonder Biden will regularly make the headlines can’t be a pleasant realization for the aged liberal ruler.


It also could be that the always jovial -- not! -- elder Biden knew of the investigation ahead of the official announcement but suppressed the truth just long enough to steal the media’s focus away from Donald Trump and his increasingly credible claims of massive mail-in vote fraud across several key swing states on election (day/week). But Joe’s such a practiced liar that he knew how to handle it. What he didn’t understand about “plausible deniability” while serving in the senate during Big Bubba Bill Clinton’s White House tenure, he honed and perfected in eight years as Barack Obama’s personal attendant and resident bootlicker. Joe’s great at it now!


Just when Grampa Joe thought he was over the hurdle with family foibles, the faults crept back into his room like a cockroach through a miniscule hole. Time after time Joe was asked about his son’s business dealings and their relationship to him and his on-the-job responsibilities, and on every occasion, he batted them back at the accuser like a Raphael Nadal forehand over the net. (Actually, the media didn’t ask him nearly enough, fearing a venomous retort.) This time, however, the matter won’t be ignored or shouted down. Claiming that “My son didn’t do anything wrong and everybody knows it” won’t cut the loaf any longer.


The president-to-be has been busy with appointments and convalescing from his dog-imposed ankle injury, and now he’s got additional concerns to occupy what’s left of his waning mental capacity. Niall Stanage wrote at The Hill, “Some Republicans are already calling for the appointment of a special counsel to investigate the matter. It seems unlikely, for now, that Joe Biden will accede to that request anytime soon after his Jan. 20 inauguration. But the controversy does, at the least, give conservatives a cause around which to rally from Day One of the Biden presidency.


“It emerged on Wednesday that the younger Biden’s tax affairs have been under investigation since 2018. In a statement, he said he had learned of the probe the previous day. He insisted he was ‘confident that a professional and objective review of these matters will demonstrate that I handled my affairs legally and appropriately, including with the benefit of professional tax advisers.’


“A statement released at the same time from the president-elect’s transition team said that Joe Biden was ‘deeply proud of his son, who has fought through difficult challenges’ — an apparent reference to Hunter Biden’s struggles with addiction.”


What a crock. But, in the larger sense, what was Joe supposed to say, that he knows his jackass boy is an idiot and an embarrassment to the family name? Heck no! Simply default to the Democrat official position and deny everything!


Brace yourself for the inevitable party fierce defense of Grampa Joe and his boy Hunter. Democrats and liberals will have a field day turning the accusations around to frame Trump and his family or some other Republican. They’ll make wild contentions that conservatives are endangering national security by weakening the man who’s about to be president in a month, as though the truth doesn’t matter and the Bidens haven’t already done the damage to their pathetic clan’s reputation.


Remember, Democrats were gleeful in speculating how much dirt the Russians had on Trump after the release of the Steele dossier. They even enlisted their favorite turncoat pal, John McCain, to turn the unverified sleaze over to the federal law enforcement deep-staters. (As a side note, McCain might’ve got his revenge on Trump from beyond the grave as widow Cindy endorsed Biden and Arizona went Democrat for the first time in however many years. Voter fraud? Certainly looks like it!)


But whereas the Steele dossier was about as bogus as bogus gets, Hunter’s foreign connections were quite real. Even a cursory rehashing of Hunter’s story begins with his receiving a huge ($50,000?) monthly “salary” from a Ukrainian energy conglomerate (Burisma), the fruit of his last name and his father’s cushy position. Yeah, Hunter didn’t speak Ukrainian and didn’t have any experience in oil or the company’ products, but so what?


Wonder boy Hunter also received a big fat $3.5 million wire transfer for “consultancy work” from the mayor of Moscow’s ex-wife, billionaire Elena Baturina … but what kind of consulting? Maybe Hunter was “consulting” with her like he did the Arkansas stripper he impregnated and then denied his DNA contribution (which was subsequently confirmed by a test; liberals love “science”, don’t they?). The younger Biden’s Bill Clinton-like list of sexual liaisons is quite long, impressive enough that any Lothario would blush with envy!


Who knows, perhaps Hunter was one of Fang Fang’s (of Rep. Eric Swalwell infamy) conquests, too. She came here in 2011, didn’t she? Fang wasn’t sent back to China until 2015, still on Obama’s watch! The Chinese spy must’ve known that Hunter was knee-deep in Chinese dirty dealings, having consummated “business” transactions with the communist regime’s henchmen while daddy was still palling around with Barack Obama. Nothing quite like a free ride on Air Force Two to reach the Far East and then be given the full red-carpet treatment on arrival!


Papa Joe has sure gotten a lot of excuse mileage out of Hunter’s drug addiction, but the public’s sympathetic tolerance only goes so far. Millions of families have been touched by substance abuse of various kinds, but it doesn’t mean the addict gets off guilt-free from everything he or she did during their rampages. Hunter’s been living the high (forgive the pun) life for a long, long time, and how much of his corruption money literally went up in smoke in his crack pipes? How much did Hunter hide from the federal tax authorities? Inquiring minds want to know!


Understandably, Republicans are demanding a special counsel be appointed to get a deep and thorough look at Hunter’s -- and the Bidens’ -- suspicious activity. When coupled with Special Prosecutor John Durham’s enduring investigation, the Biden administration should be chock full of interesting personal tidbits. Will Grampa Joe and Hunter be frog marched off to prison? Probably not. But it might provide some distraction from the leftist legal onslaught against Trump out of office.


One almost -- almost -- feels sympathy for the back slappin’, hair sniffin’, shoulders massagin’, child repellin’, sexual assault denyin’, black people insultin’, nude swimmin’, president-elect. If the media had done its job and performed a halfway decent vetting job of the Hunter thing back when it could’ve easily been passed off as a prodigal son gone wrong, Joe might’ve weathered the storm and come out on the sunny side. After all, the public has short memories and there’s ample precedent for looking the other way at Democrat family sins.


But it’s too late now. Grampa Joe is going to have to deal with all of Hunter’s baggage. After being asked about Hunter’s life for the thousandth time, maybe he’ll think that tangling with Mitch McConnell over tax rates and budget caps isn’t such a bothersome thing.


The Joe n’ Hunter Saturday Night Live-type skit that you won’t see on any network


I’ll fill-in the blanks of Joe’s and Hunter’s conversation when the son confessed to the father that he was under investigation.


Bbbbuuuuuuzzzz. Bbbbuuuuuuzzzz. Bbbbuuuuuuzzzz.


Joe Biden: “Good morning my beautiful son. I miss you and love you. How’s it hangin’, Hunter? Dang I miss you these days. I long for the summertime when I could just sit here behind this desk and look at family pictures and just show ‘em to the media to make us sound like we’re regular folks trying to make an honest buck. What can I do for ya today, man? Anyone you want me to call? Any prosecutors I need to threaten? Thanks to you, I’m well practiced!”


Hunter: “Nope, nothing like usual at least,” the 50-year-old replied sheepishly. “Actually, dad, I’ve got something to tell you. I just found out myself yesterday (muffled choking and retching heard over the phone earpiece) that I’m under investigation by the feds for tax violations. Those damn Republicans have been using my old laptop again, apparently, and somebody in the government is poking around records and emails and, and… Oh, the remorse I feel right now! Taxes are the least of it -- there’s tons of nasty sh--, I mean stuff on that thing. Chinese girls, kiddie pix… um…”


Joe Biden: (Silence for eight seconds.) “I told you, don’t ever feel remorse!” Joe bellowed in his best teeth gritting campaign voice at his only surviving son as though he was suddenly jerked back to consciousness. “Just ask your Uncle Jimmy. Regret and remorse, it means you have a conscience. We can’t have any of it. In politics, you never look back. So what you’ve got the FBI or whoever looking into your closets. I’m gonna be president next month, and heads will roll if they lay a finger on my little boy. Don’t you worry about nothin’, son. I’m proud of you and I’ll keep sayin’ it ‘til they put me in the ground or I get kicked out of office or somethin’.”


Hunter: “Thanks, bud. I knew I could count on you. This is serious crap and I’m worried about it. I’m running a little short on cash of late, too. I’ve had to pay off a lot of people to keep ‘em quiet before the election. It ain’t easy being a crook and being chased by both the conservative press and the tabloids at the same time. Besides, I had an idea I wanted to run past you.


“(Hesitatingly) Why not ask Nancy Pelosi for advice? She can conjure up guano about just about anything. Just last week she said it would be ‘unfairness for women’ if there wasn’t federal funding for abortion. San Fran Nan can make smoking crack and embezzling millions sound like it’s benefitting the poor, since most drug dealers live in the racial jungle (Joe Biden’s words) anyway. They’re just trying to make a little Cabbage, right? Pelosi also spouted something about no one being above the law. Well, we’ll just gloss over that part.”


Joe Biden: “Not bad, son. I’ve been meaning to give Nancy a call anyway. She’s been telling everyone that the election wasn’t a disaster for Democrats because I won. We lost practically everything else despite all the polls being wrong. That’s a heck of a nice thing to say about me, don’t you think? All those organizations we paid to ramp up the vote did wonders, didn’t they? It's almost like you were in charge of distributing the dough yourself. Maybe if the Ukraine thing and the China thing don’t work out for you we could get Mark Zuckerberg to bring you on as the president of Facebook.


“Say, how would you like to go to Georgia with me to campaign for those senate seats?”


Hunter Biden: “I dunno, daddy-o. What time are you leaving? You know I hate getting up early unless it’s to meet a connection somewhere. And I’m not talking about a flight. I think you’re better off losing those seats anyway. If the party wins, people will actually expect you to pass laws and budgets and pack the Supreme Court and blah, blah, blah. Boring!”


Joe Biden: “Great point, Hunter m’ boy. Obama said the same thing. He told me years ago that the pressure was off him once the Republicans took over Congress. He could just use his ‘pen and phone’ and tell the bureaucracy what to do with executive orders. I’ve already got a bunch of ‘em planned, too. On day one I’m gonna shut down the entire energy industry. We’re about to make this a green planet and a blue political map at the same time.”


Hunter Biden: (chuckles) “Sure dad, whatever you say. You’re always so confident. I guess that’s why you’re the teetotaler and I’m the junkie. You never worry about anything. Living in your shadow’s been tough, but it’s easier now that I’m rich and I have all the babes I can handle.


“(Ding dong!) Oops, gotta run. Literally! There’s a knock at the door and the cops -- or Tony Bobulinski -- might be looking for me!”


Joe Biden: “Bye, son. Talk to you tomorrow! Run fast -- you’ve got two good ankles! Stay out of trouble!”


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It will never be known whether a complete public vetting of Hunter Biden’s dirty laundry would’ve made a difference in this year’s election, but it’s a safe bet that Grampa Joe will be cleaning up his boy’s mess long after Inauguration Day (if he makes it to the White House, that is). Sooner or later the truth will come to light; not even Joe Biden can hide from it this time.


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